2/2/11

Frozen
By Alyssa


The last time we kissed was approximately two million, eight hundred fifty one thousand, and two hundred seconds ago. Numb tongues and chapped lips needing the connection while seventy proof refreshments blurred passion into what felt like a sixth grader’s first kiss. Somehow in a matter of days, things turned into pecks, texts, and awkward silences we didn’t know how to fill.


Then you were gone.


I would go back to those discombobulated lips in a heartbeat, if only I could do away with the five-foot radius, blank eyes, and the empty spot next to me on my two hundred thread count. If only…your heart still beat for me.

When insomnia presses on my eyes, all I think about is how my mattress feels so wrong without your strong arms to protect me from the dark. The snoring is gone. I miss the snoring, I do. I hate trying to sleep in silence. These winter nights pinch my toes without your radiating warmth. A heating blanket doesn’t feel the same as your pale chest moving up and down to a rhythm not found on the metronome I keep in my purse.

I hate how it’s so wrong for me to say three simple words without it making me a stereotypical woman, but that boat sailed when I started writing about you. I miss you. I could list all the things you took when you walked away that have turned into vacant spaces in my life, but that would take a while. I’ll settle for the ones I miss the most.

I miss the way you said, “You’re beautiful” as if it was common knowledge, mistaken by no one. I hate clichés, but your words sounded like music when you complimented me. Life’s a song, says the silver pendant always dangling between us from a small chain around my neck. I never stopped to think it meant that everything has an ending.

I miss the way you would crack your knuckles while we were holding hands and accidentally crush my fragile fingers. You always forgot, and eventually, I gave up reminding you, because I liked the way the squeezing let me know you were still holding on.

I miss the way your strong hands guided me where I needed to be without force or pressure. I always knew where I belonged in your life and in your arms. Now I feel like I’ve lost my GPS, and all that is Holy knows my generation doesn’t know how to read maps.

I miss the way your smile could change my day. Simple.

The saddest part is I even miss my pre-medication episodes. The horrible days when everything seemed out of place. You would lay with me and rub my back, reassuring me that I would be okay. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t speak or eat for days; you were patient, knowing my mind would return to my body in due time. You always waited for me.

Now you leave whenever you please with nothing but cordiality. Friendship. No kiss, no tender smile only meant for me. I receive the same bland farewell as the rest of the world, and that’s simply not good enough. I despise watching you walk away. It feels like there used to be an invisible rope hanging around both of our waists connecting us; now it’s visible for everyone to see how my lonely end droops on the ground like an abused puppy where it was cut in half.

Only time will heal a wound, freshly damaged daily by the poisoned apple of friendship. I am Snow White: stuck, frozen, paralyzed in loneliness and longing; only the taste of your lips again will make me come back to living. For me it feels like time has stopped. But my hourglass figure isn’t made of sand. It’s made of flesh, blood, and a beating heart; one that still beats for you.


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Alyssa is a college girl who drinks too much, smokes too many cigarettes, and enjoys putting ink on paper as much as on her skin. She's a nostalgic, a romantic, and basically every other word in the English language pertaining to emotions. She resides and attends a University in the heights of an East coast mountain range. Her major is "something with writing" with a minor in classical piano, and her life is as crazy as her mood swings.