(a short screenplay)
By Harry Noussias
FADE IN:
EXT. A PARK - DAY
FAY walks through the park. She is searching for MIKE. She sees him and rushes to him.
I got here just as soon as I could. Why did you want to meet in the park?
I wanted to talk to you about something. I want to know if you would marry a guy like me.
I guess. I mean you’re a nice person. I would probably marry someone like you. A lot of women would. Why?
No, you don’t understand. I wasn’t asking for your opinion. I want to know if you would marry me.
If I would marry you personally? Is this a proposal?
Well yeah. Isn’t it obvious?
The way you asked. And in the middle of a park. It kind of threw me off. Most men would ask differently. And maybe at a nice restaurant. At a table for two. You know. A romantic dinner. With champagne and all. They would ask – will you marry me? Will you, not would you. And maybe they would get down on one knee. They would also have a ring. That’s a more traditional method. But, then again, everyone is not traditional.
Mike takes a ring out of his pocket and hands it to Fay. Fay takes it but does not put it on.
I never did this before and I was kind of nervous. I didn’t know how you would react. There’s the ring. And I’ll get down on one knee if you want. I just didn’t want to get my pant leg dirty if I didn’t have to.
Well I guess you don’t have to. Anyway I’m not the traditional type.
So, will you? I mean. Will you marry me?
Isn’t this kind of sudden?
We’ve known each other for six months now. And it isn’t like we’ve never gone out together. We live right across the hall from each other in the same apartment building. It would be real easy for you to move your stuff into my apartment. Or for me to move in with you. I don’t really care which. We see each other all the time. Every day and sometimes all day. We’re practically inseparable. Hell, I even know what type of toothpaste you use. How many guys know that about the women they go out with? And besides, I love you. I truly love you.
That’s the most romantic thing I have ever heard. You know. The part about how you know what kind of toothpaste I use.
Well? Will you or not?
I’m just not a traditional type person.
What does that mean; you’re not a traditional person? Does that mean you don’t go for marriages? Or, does it mean you’re turning me down? What does it mean?
It means that I think the woman should do the proposing if she feels like it. I always pictured myself as being the one doing the proposing. But, I’m not against all conventionality. The man can still buy the ring. It’s a matter of economics.
You’re turning me down. Aren’t you? I guess I was wrong about us. I thought you felt the same way about me as I feel about you. I may have messed up proposing, but you’re doing an even worse job at rejecting.
I’m not rejecting.
Now you’re trying to keep me from having hurt feelings.
No, I don’t care about your feelings. No, that didn’t come out right. I mean there is no reason for you to have hurt feelings.
Women think that a man will die if his ego is damaged. They must never hurt the man’s ego. Never. At all costs. I suppose it’s genetic. Let me guess what’s coming next. That old line - it’s not you, it’s me. The ultimate tried and true line of rejection.
I’m not rejecting. I’m just not accepting.
You don’t like me.
You’re right. I don’t like you… I love you. I think I’ve always loved you. Even before I met you. Even before I was born. I felt it from the very first moment I saw you. No one can care as deeply or as passionately about anyone as I do for you. But, I’m still not accepting.
You love me more than anything, but you don’t want to marry me?
I didn’t say that I didn’t want to marry you.
It’s that knee thing. Isn’t it? I should have gotten down on my knee or maybe both knees. I shouldn’t have worried about getting my pants dirty.
It’s not the knee thing. I told you. I’m not a traditional person.
It couldn’t be the ring. I spent a lot of money on that ring. It ain’t cheap. Or maybe it’s the park. I should have chosen a fancy restaurant instead. The park was a dumb idea.
It’s not the ring or the park or anything you did or didn’t do. I told you I’m not a traditional person.
What?... You want to be the one that proposes?
It’s important to me.
Well I’m not sure about all this. How would it look? What will people say? And how ridiculous would it look for a woman to get down on one knee? It just has never been done. Look at all the people in this park. These people would stone me. And even if you did it in a restaurant, the waiter would probably poison my food. I’d be dead before I could say yes. I’m telling you I would be laughed out of this town.
Do you want to marry me? Yes or no?
Oh no. You’re not going to trick me. I’m not answering that question. That’s a proposal. Did you ever think that maybe I feel the same way about proposing as you? You want to be the one doing the asking. Well, I want to be the one doing the asking too.
All you had to do is say yes.
That’s all you had to do too.
So now what?
I don’t know. All I know is that I love you and I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to have children with you. I want to take trips with you, and grow old with you, and collect Social Security with you. And when I die I want to be buried next to you.
So, will you marry me?
There you go. Trying to catch me off guard. Trying to trick me again. It ain’t happening. I would like very much to answer in the affirmative. But, I would much rather be doing the inquiring.
You do realize that we are both being a bit stubborn?
Of course we’re both being stubborn. We think alike. That thing you said about always loving me. Even before you met me. Even before you were born. Well, it’s the same with me. The exact same. The gods must have willed it. That’s why it’s important to the both of us to be the one to do the proposing. Who can go against the gods?
Maybe we can both have our way.
This ought to be good. I’m listening.
What if we propose at exactly the same time?
A simultaneous proposal. Hmm. And how do you propose that we do this proposing?
We’ll count to three together. One two three. And then together, at the same time, we’ll both say - will you marry me. Then we’ll count to three again together. One two three. And then we’ll both say at the same time and together – yes. What do you think? No one has to do the knee thing. And you still get to give me the ring. That’s fair enough.
I guess that would work. I mean, I can still tell people that I proposed to you. That statement would be technically correct.
And no one would stone you or laugh you out of town. You would win. And I would not damage your male ego. Something that I was genetically engineered to always preserve. I win too.
OK. Let’s do it. Ready?
Ready
Here we go.
One two three. Will you marry me? One two three. Yes.
We did it.
Are you going to put it on?
(putting the ring on her finger)
It’s beautiful. I love you. I truly do. More than anything in the world. More than life itself.
They embrace and kiss passionately.
I guess now we can set the date and start making all the plans and all the arrangements. I can’t wait to tell our families. My mom will be thrilled. She really adores you.
There is a lot to do.
I can’t wait to see you in that wedding gown.
What wedding gown? I don’t plan on wearing a wedding gown. Why spend all that money on a dress just to wear it only one time? It’s an economic thing. More traditional nonsense.
But, I’ve always pictured my bride at the altar in a fancy white gown. Along with all the bride’s maids. And I in a tuxedo. And my best friend being the best man. He would be in a tuxedo too. And your father giving you away. He’d also be in a tuxedo.
Ain’t going to happen. The bride does all the wedding planning. And I think a quickie justice- of- the- peace style ceremony would be just fine.
Well maybe I’m not always a traditional type of person either. I think the man should plan the wedding once in a while.
That can’t happen. If people found out, I would be embarrassed. They would laugh at me behind my back. I wouldn’t be able to hold my head up high. I would be constantly in tears.
Constantly in tears, huh. You know I couldn’t stand that. You know men are genetically engineered to not want to see a woman cry. Tears always win out. The gods made us that way. Women cannot damage a man’s ego and men cannot stand to see a woman cry. Still I kind of want some say in the planning of the wedding.
I have an idea.
MIKE
We can’t do the one two three thing. We both have different plans.
But, we can both have a say. One of us chooses the style of wedding. Formal with gowns and tuxedos or the informal justice-of-the-peace style. And the other can make the arrangements.
Hmm. I suppose that would be OK. How do we choose which style of wedding?
We could flip a coin. Heads I win. Tails you win. What do you say?
I would rather do rock paper scissors.
What’s wrong with a toss of a coin? I’ll even supply the coin. Any denomination you want.
Rock paper scissors is much more dignified.
It is not.
It is. Look, I’ll tell you what. I have a pen on me. We’ll go across the street to that hamburger joint. We’ll use one of their napkins and we’ll play a game of tic tac toe. The winner of the game of tic tac toe will get to decide if we flip a coin or do the rock paper scissors thing. Do you like tic tac toe?
Yeah, I like tic tac toe.
Do you like burgers? I like a good hamburger with the works.
Yeah, I like hamburgers.
How about fries? I like fries. You like fries?
I like fries.
They walk off into the distance, talking as they walk.
MIKE
We have a lot in common.
Yeah, we do.
This is going to be a great marriage.
Yes, it is.
- - -
I have been a writer for several years. Most of my efforts have been in the nonfiction area. It is not very exciting to be sure, but the money is good. I thought I might try my hand at something different, something a bit more amusing with a touch on the romantic side.
