12/31/12

The Right One
By Harry Noussias


One wouldn’t exactly call Melvin Twitmeyer cheap. It is not as though he wouldn’t spend money if needed, at least on the necessities of life. After all, one has to eat and pay the rent. It’s just that he is, oh how shall we say it - a collector.

Melvin collects money. One might even go one step further and say Melvin loves money. Perhaps you’re thinking, who doesn’t love money? Who wouldn’t want to be fabulously wealthy and be able to buy mansions, fancy cars and yachts? But, that is not loving money, not the way Melvin does. That’s only loving what money can buy. Melvin loves the money.

Every day Melvin counts his money - all of it. First thing in the morning he eagerly rushes to the bank and withdraws all that wonderful cash from his account. He counts it and later in the day he reluctantly and very sadly has to redeposit it back into his account. Melvin isn’t naïve. He knows the only truly safe place to keep his adorable currency is in the bank. But at least for a short while, each day he can indulge in his pleasure.

Melvin gets goose bumps at the very touch of the special paper that his precious bills are printed on. He likes to gaze with wide open eyes for hours at the amazing colors and designs among the various denominations. And, there is nothing like the smell of a new bill nearly hot off the press. As to the coins, there is that marvelous sound they make when stacking them. The sparkle of silver is quite hypnotic and alluring. The taste of the gold in those rare coins he keeps in his safety deposit box, well it’s just plan ecstasy. But, laying out dozens of one hundred dollar bills on the bed and rolling around on them – now that’s what it’s all about. At least that’s what it’s all about for Melvin. But, don’t get the wrong idea. It’s not all fun. There is also work. The coins must be washed in the dishwasher. Who knows who touched them? The paper money must have all the creases straightened out. That isn’t always easy. Still, to Melvin it is well worth it.

In another apartment, down the block from Melvin’s, lived Gertrude Spitt. Gertrude also has a fascination with money. From her apartment window she would investigate every inch of the sidewalk below with her binoculars. You never can tell when someone might drop some change. The very second that Gertrude would see a penny or nickel lying on the pavement she would hurriedly dash to its rescue. Gertrude would run the coins through the dishwasher. After all, who wants smelly nickels? Then she would separate the coins according to their wear pattern. The coins with the most wear would be place in a special box. This would keep them out of circulation for a while to give the other younger coins out there in the world a chance to catch up.

Yes, Gertrude was happy with her calling in life – rescuing abandoned and abused coins. Sometimes she could barely contain her joy and she would break out into song. Her favorite tune is Pennies From Heaven. She doesn’t mind that it is an old song. She just likes the words. She especially likes the part that says, “Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven”. She sometimes daydreams of nice shinning pennies, nickel and dimes falling from the sky. That would be great. It would be great for anyone. Oh, but wait. Some of the coins would be damaged when striking the pavement. Some might even fall into mud. Better daydream about something else. How about a handsome man coming into her life? Yeah, that would be good. But, he’d have to be the right one.

Melvin also would dream of someone coming into his life. She would have to be very special. She’d have to be the right one.

Of course, everyone knows where this is headed. It is inevitable. It is fate. It has been arranged by all the stars in the heavens. Destiny shall be served. Melvin and Gertrude must meet.

Well it happened one day. Melvin was walking down the street. He was returning from the drug store where he had purchased some cold medicine. Destiny had chosen this day to give Melvin a nagging cough and runny nose. While walking, he reached into his pocket for his handkerchief. When he pulled the handkerchief out of his pocket he also pulled out some coins. The coins hit the pavement with that unmistakable ding sound. Melvin began to panic. Where were his coins? He looked all around. How many did he drop? Where did they go? Sweat ran down his face. If only someone could help him.

Destiny had also chosen this moment for Gertrude to do her binocular work. She would be Melvin’s rescuer from above.

This was going to be some real romantic stuff. The next thing Melvin knew was that there was an angel standing there. She reached down into the gutter where the coins had fallen. She wiped the coins off on her dress and handed them to him. Melvin was entranced. It was love at first sight.

Some truly romantic stuff to be sure.

Anyway, they got to talking and one thing led to another and the next thing they knew Melvin was in Gertrude’s apartment. Gertrude ran his coins through the dish washer. This really impressed Melvin. She couldn’t help but notice the glee in his blood shot eyes.

Melvin tried hard not to cough or sneeze too much. Not only was there the possibility of giving Gertrude his cold, but there was also the possibility of contaminating the rescued coins in her special box.

Gertrude knew right then that this could lead to something good. She made Melvin a hot cup of tea. “Here, it’s good for your cold.” She poured the tea and also poured out all her compassion. Melvin was hooked. They spent the rest of the day just talking and enjoying each other’s company. After all, they had a lot in common.

As time went on they began to see each other more often. Gertrude now stared out of her window waiting for Melvin to come. It seems that the coin rescue was now placed on the back burner. Melvin spent a little less time counting his money. There was now another priority.

The relationship grew. They even took trips together. They went to visit the mint to see how dollar bills are made. They went to the Smithsonian Museum to see their ancient Greek coin exhibit. They visited a small Civil War museum to view the Confederate money, and were saddened that it no longer had spendable value.

But, their most romantic times were when they would stroll along the beach and gaze into the ocean wondering how many ships had sunk with all their gold on board.

Destiny decided to speed things up a little bit and in a very short time Melvin Twitmeyer and Gertrude Spitt found themselves at the altar saying, “I do”. It was a nice wedding. The organist played Pennies From Heaven.

What could be better? Melvin and Gertrude each found what they were looking for – the right one.

OK, now comes the hot and heavy stuff. On their honeymoon night they made passionate love, as all lovers do. But, with one minor difference. They did it on a pile of gold coins spread upon the bed.

Well there is not much more to add. Everything with Melvin and Gertrude is perfect. They are not like the rest of us. They will truly live happily ever after.

The end.

Oh, wait. There is one more thing. When they were done making love they ran the coins through the dishwasher. They would want you to know that. There, now it’s the end.


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I have been a writer for several years. Most of my efforts have been in the nonfiction area. It is not very exciting to be sure, but the money is good. I thought I might try my hand at something different, something a bit more amusing with a touch on the romantic side.